I was having a self-aware moment at the weekend. A good thing you might think, but not always. Sometimes it is better to be blissfully unaware. This is one of those moments!

An old friend has reached out to me. They are the type that are not needy, but are delicate and take a lot of care and support. Probably why they are friends with me; because I care and support a lot. But then I like that. Focusing on other people’s problems and helping them. Understanding their problems, whilst ignore my own. It gives me a sense of worth and value if someone else is better because of me. Otherwise I don’t know what value I have in this world, or any. Without that am I just someone to make up the numbers? And what numbers there are now, on this planet!

Anyway: 2 years ago my friend was having a moment and got rather upset over something I was trying to explain about men not visiting Dr’s enough. My friend was upset by a media story of someone who had only just caught a problem in time and didn’t understand why they didn’t get checked earlier… the details of the discussion do not matter, what matters is that my friend had enough of the discussion and ‘un-friended’ me. They are good at breaking contact and hiding, so I had no way of contacting them, until they reached out to me again. Now; my partner gets upset and annoyed with people treating me this way and is not happy that we are now talking again. “It’s not going to be the same relationship – this time!” was the declaration. The problem is that I’m not like that. If someone needs my help and asks for it, if I can help, I cannot refuse them.

This conflict caused me some internalised problems and led to my introspection. The chaos and turmoil that is as the core of me built up to a level I could not ignore. In the evening I was sat in front of the brain drain box with some drivel playing out it’s theatre on the screen, whilst my partner idly played games on their phone whilst half listening to the TV; and my mind stepped out of me and looked back at my body sat on the sofa. Not literally stepped out; I’m not talking out of body experience, just mental visualisation. As I looked at me, I saw a shell that portrayed the image people wanted to see, the image of the person people think I am. Inside that shell are various regions or zones.

At that time my head was like a black hole; a vacuum; swirling space; chaos in the darkness; deep in the dark, vacuous chaos there are two dark, but bright eyes watching the world through the swirling, madness around them. Watching, observing, and unable to communicate outwardly, only suck in information and events.

In my mid-drift is a knot of something, twisting and turning in on itself. A 4 dimensional maze with little creatures running the maze, occasionally looking up and out of the maze at what is going on around me. Then turning and running again. Almost like they are using the maze to run away and hid, but the dimensional, twisting, moving nature of the maze means they are always on the outside, but never out of the maze.

My chest contains a blazing fire with a darkness/bright white light at the centre. Sometimes a dark hole, other times a bright blinding white light. Always a blazing, intense fire. A fire that does not consume or burn anything, but is always alight and always intense.

My legs are hollow, empty. No darkness, no light. Not a vacuum, just empty. Maybe I’ve just not thought about them, or maybe they suggest I’m incomplete, or have a weakness, fragility. Nothing filling the shell at the legs, makes the legs susceptible to breaking, shattering.

I kind of get the head chaos, and the stomach maze, but I don’t get the fire, or the alternation hole/light. And I’m not sure about the empty legs either. I did notice, or re-avow, people don’t know the real me; in fact, I don’t even know the real me! I know who I used to be at different stages in my life. I had individual personalities that fulfilled various roles. I was one person at school, another at home with my close family, another person out of school with my friends and someone else with my extended family. Then I replaced the school person with a work person and the other versions of me evolved with maturity and the evolving circles they turned in. Over time they merged and I was left with a home and a work person. But however much you want to separate work and home life time wears down the walls and now I find that all of me is one and not the many faces. There are still subsets, but rather than neat delineations my life is a ven diagram and the overlaps are getting bigger. Eventually I’ll be one amorphous circle. Bland, mindless, numb, with no personality. If all personalities merge how can one stand out, they all either over write each other or cancel each other out. I am loosing myself, to myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about ‘Dissociative identity disorder’. I’m referring to the phenomenon that is everyday life for most people. Think about it: At work do you behave and interact with people the same way you do at home, or when out with friends? How often do people comment on, I didn’t know were like that, when you see them out partying, instead of at work. That’s all I’m talking about.

But back to the main topic of this piece. I am a shell that contains abstract conceptual personnas that I have lost touch with and don’t properly understand. If I lose touch with myself I can’t manage myself, and I don’t know who I am anymore. What is my purpose, beyond the robotic mindless cog in the general machine that is planet earth and humanity? We fear futures as portrayed in films like the Matrix or Terminator. But aren’t we already there. Mindlessly turning the handle, using resources, burning out the planet and our own individuality. Haven’t we already succumbed to the machine that is commerce?

I’ll leave it there, as I’m digressing.

I was having a self-aware moment at the weekend. A good thing you might think, but not always. Sometimes it is better to be blissfully unaware. This is one of those moments!

An old friend has reached out to me. They are the type that are not needy, but are delicate and take a lot of care and support. Probably why they are friends with me; because I care and support a lot. But then I like that. Focusing on other people’s problems and helping them. Understanding their problems, whilst ignore my own. It gives me a sense of worth and value if someone else is better because of me. Otherwise I don’t know what value I have in this world, or any. Without that am I just someone to make up the numbers? And what numbers there are now, on this planet!

Anyway: 2 years ago my friend was having a moment and got rather upset over something I was trying to explain about men not visiting Dr’s enough. My friend was upset by a media story of someone who had only just caught a problem in time and didn’t understand why they didn’t get checked earlier… the details of the discussion do not matter, what matters is that my friend had enough of the discussion and ‘un-friended’ me. They are good at breaking contact and hiding, so I had no way of contacting them, until they reached out to me again. Now; my partner gets upset and annoyed with people treating me this way and is not happy that we are now talking again. “It’s not going to be the same relationship – this time!” was the declaration. The problem is that I’m not like that. If someone needs my help and asks for it, if I can help, I cannot refuse them.

This conflict caused me some internalised problems and led to my introspection. The chaos and turmoil that is as the core of me built up to a level I could not ignore. In the evening I was sat in front of the brain drain box with some drivel playing out it’s theatre on the screen, whilst my partner idly played games on their phone whilst half listening to the TV; and my mind stepped out of me and looked back at my body sat on the sofa. Not literally stepped out; I’m not talking out of body experience, just mental visualisation. As I looked at me, I saw a shell that portrayed the image people wanted to see, the image of the person people think I am. Inside that shell are various regions or zones.

At that time my head was like a black hole; a vacuum; swirling space; chaos in the darkness; deep in the dark, vacuous chaos there are two dark, but bright eyes watching the world through the swirling, madness around them. Watching, observing, and unable to communicate outwardly, only suck in information and events.

In my mid-drift is a knot of something, twisting and turning in on itself. A 4 dimensional maze with little creatures running the maze, occasionally looking up and out of the maze at what is going on around me. Then turning and running again. Almost like they are using the maze to run away and hid, but the dimensional, twisting, moving nature of the maze means they are always on the outside, but never out of the maze.

My chest contains a blazing fire with a darkness/bright white light at the centre. Sometimes a dark hole, other times a bright blinding white light. Always a blazing, intense fire. A fire that does not consume or burn anything, but is always alight and always intense.

My legs are hollow, empty. No darkness, no light. Not a vacuum, just empty. Maybe I’ve just not thought about them, or maybe they suggest I’m incomplete, or have a weakness, fragility. Nothing filling the shell at the legs, makes the legs susceptible to breaking, shattering.

I kind of get the head chaos, and the stomach maze, but I don’t get the fire, or the alternation hole/light. And I’m not sure about the empty legs either. I did notice, or re-avow, people don’t know the real me; in fact, I don’t even know the real me! I know who I used to be at different stages in my life. I had individual personalities that fulfilled various roles. I was one person at school, another at home with my close family, another person out of school with my friends and someone else with my extended family. Then I replaced the school person with a work person and the other versions of me evolved with maturity and the evolving circles they turned in. Over time they merged and I was left with a home and a work person. But however much you want to separate work and home life time wears down the walls and now I find that all of me is one and not the many faces. There are still subsets, but rather than neat delineations my life is a ven diagram and the overlaps are getting bigger. Eventually I’ll be one amorphous circle. Bland, mindless, numb, with no personality. If all personalities merge how can one stand out, they all either over write each other or cancel each other out. I am loosing myself, to myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about ‘Dissociative identity disorder’. I’m referring to the phenomenon that is everyday life for most people. Think about it: At work do you behave and interact with people the same way you do at home, or when out with friends? How often do people comment on, I didn’t know were like that, when you see them out partying, instead of at work. That’s all I’m talking about.

But back to the main topic of this piece. I am a shell that contains abstract conceptual personnas that I have lost touch with and don’t properly understand. If I lose touch with myself I can’t manage myself, and I don’t know who I am anymore. What is my purpose, beyond the robotic mindless cog in the general machine that is planet earth and humanity? We fear futures as portrayed in films like the Matrix or Terminator. But aren’t we already there. Mindlessly turning the handle, using resources, burning out the planet and our own individuality. Haven’t we already succumbed to the machine that is commerce?

I’ll leave it there, as I’m digressing.

I’m right p!553d of today! It all started 7 years ago when we (my partner and I) decided we wanted a family and that family would have to be an adopted family – giving a child who needs a good, safe, loving family what they need, whilst getting the same in return. Back then the we did a lot of work with the local authority but were rejected! Rejected because we hadn’t tried for a ‘natural’, ‘normal’ family – instead we went straight down the adoption route. We were made to feel like weirdos and even told that we needed therapy for it. How insulting and very upsetting.

At the beginning of this year we decided to try again – after seeing friends retry successfully – and sought therapy to satisfy the needs of the local authority. Incidentally; the therapist could find nothing wrong with us, or any need for therapy – not therapy the council want, or related to adopting.

Following our therapy and some research into the best Adoption Agency around (not Local Authority) we applied to a national agency and were accepted, with the proviso that we lost some weight. We’re not huge by some standards, but are bigger than the medical profession likes.

After:

  • Applying,
  • Interviewing,
  • Being accepted to the first stage,
  • Attending training,
  • Reading books,
  • Finding appropriate volunteering to get lots of experience,
  • Gathering lots of references,
  • Filling in Eco-Maps,
  • Family Histories.
  • Personal histories
  • Medicals,

All at a cost to us – which we don’t mind doing to build our family.

We have never hidden a thing, we discussed the weight issue and were told they would begin with us – but we need to lose some weight before entering the next stage (which we can delay for up to 6 months).

Last week we chase the agency as we had not heard anything for a while. Yesterday we received a letter from the agency – dated the day we chased but delivered on a Saturday when we can’t follow-up. The letter is telling us we have been rejected again! Apparently due to some follow-up from the references and our BMI!

It was clear that the BMI is a longer term goal than 8 weeks. So we would never had achieved that by this time, and it was agreed to be before the next stage in 6 month.

But they will not tell us any other reason at the moment. And advice us how to find another agency. But is it worth applying to someone else? How can we know if they won’t tell us what the problem is. Would we do the same thing, get through to references and fail?

What can you do; when nobody will tell you why?

I’m so angry and upset and angry. How can you improve when you don’t know what is wrong? How can you move on without knowing the path you must take? How can you get over disappointment and loss when you don’t know what caused it?

There is not end to this post, just open questions, confusion and anger.

I’m entering this direct and without a plan; so please bear with me as I roam all over my mind!

It’s been a while since I posted here and that could be for many reasons. This blog was started when I was in a dark place and needed an outlet. The darkness receded and the blog had served it’s purpose. Light was not my life and darkness still existed; but it was no longer overwhelming me and I could – generally – manage the depths, keeping my head above the water and below the parapet.

I can’t remember at the moment if I updated since November. That would require closing the entry window and reviewing the historic posts. Just in case I didn’t: When I started this I lost my first parent, in November I lost the other. I was out of the country – to far to effect the outcome, or passage, or to be present – it all happened quite quick; 2 days. It was a shock and I still don’t know how I feel about several aspects of the week.

  1. I was out of the country at a major industry conference and enjoying both the conference and the new city.
  2. This was a rarity at work; to be allowed to attend a conference and it was good that I was supported in this.
  3. Whilst enjoying myself and bathing in the glow of success, I became an Orphan.
  4. I was prevented from dealing with the hospital visit and the worry and upset of seeing my parent in that way, weak and helpless – giving up and preparing for death – then losing grip on time and location as their mind let go of the pain and world around them, preparing for the journey onwards.
  5. But then I never got to say good-bye and still no real closure. [still sorting out the estate]

Here come some tears and the lump in the back of the mouth that I so often fight. It’s been 6 months and when I think about it – emotions rise and fall. Wipe away the salty drops from my cheeks and move on!

If you’ve read the earlier posts you’ll now I don’t face these feelings, I suppress them. Partly because I don’t want them, partly because I don’t want to be seen to be weak and partly because I don’t understand them. So I’ve not faced my losses in life. Except my first pet. But the experience then set and reinforces the concerns about letting down people who have expectations of me. Back then I insisted on taking the pet the the vets to be put to sleep. Then I took my self of the a woods. Not the one we used to walk in; I needed time and that’s where people would expect to find me. So I went to another local woods to climb a tree and cry. More tears, remembering this time. When I returned home everyone was worried, it wasn’t like me to disappear, to be that emotional and not logical. It’s obvious that people have an expectation of me and rely on me. But when I break that expectation they are adversely affected to some degree, from being upset when they wouldn’t, to panic. So now I put on a face of calm and rock solid support. No matter what the situation I will stay the course and be there.

There are good and bad sides to this. I am less affected by emotion (occasionally anger, but not often) and the world around me is stable and comfortable. On the other side I can be so alone at times when I have to maintain control when all I want to do is run away and cry. Right now I would jump on my bike and ride and ride, if I didn’t have work mates expecting me to bring order, and a dog pining for attention, and my wife and friends expecting support and a rock; and it wasn’t raining :) 

I’ve strayed. I was going to talk about the diet and how I don’t think I’m in the mood for it, so it’s likely to fail in the first week. Then I started a quick update and went on to long about 6 months ago. Which led to a monologue on why I don’t release the pain. Random. But that’s what happens when I just type. It’s how my mind works; wondering all over the place until my mind and I reach some end – and that’s where I am now.

This has been a random, direct entry, direction-less and inconclusive ramble. If it was paper it’d be tear stained, with crossing outs, smudges and at least one crease. But it’s mine, and if you’ve read to this point, it’s yours to.

I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now! In my last burst of posts a few years ago, I was in a dark place, and during that time one of my parents died. Yes died, not passed, not gone on to a better place, died! I mean when someone stops all motion and activity how can they ‘pass’ anything? I know that may be a contentious attitude for some people, but that is my feeling. As they say: “Call a spade a spade!” If you dig with it, it’s a spade, not a spoon.

Anyway in the last few weeks I became an old orphan. My last parent died. I was upset, naturally, but as I have said before; I still don’t understand grief. I do understand what it is, I understand that people feel it, and so do I; but I don’t understand why! Just saying you’ve lost someone doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy. I’ve lost many people I knew, but I don’t get upset about them. As for the feeling of loss and a space that they occupied in my life. Well; I still talk the both my parents, in my head and my heart. I know what they would say and how they would be. So why should there be a gap, a space, it is filled with everything that they were and every impact they had on me that shaped me the way I am. So what gap?

And with this last parent, I now have lots of work to do; along with my sibling. The Funeral has happened; a solicitor is engaged to deal with the estate and Will. We will start inventorying, valuing and disposing of the home and contents. Some we will split between us, some we will give to charity, some will be sold. It’s a task that needs doing. No need to be overly emotional. I have slept in the empty house since and will overnight, one day over the holiday period. There’s no problem there.

But still: I have confused and fleeting emotional responses to everything. Watching a film that I watch every year, I’ve become emotional and misty eyed. Watching Xmas stories on the news have angered or made me happy with more intensity than usual. I feel frustration with interruptions and joy at a simple Robin in the path way before me. Typing this out is both frustrating me that the thoughts and emotions do not flow onto the screen quick enough; and my eyes get blurry as I think of the emotions and good will I have seen around me. But every time I catch myself on the brink of tears, even when I’m alone and decide to allow it, I step back from the edge and walk the other way. Even when I’m willing to let go, when nobody is around to be affected, when I can be free to release the inner turmoil, even then I can’t let go.

I have been caught out and nearly blubbered: On the day of the funeral I was listening to the radio in the house, still on their favourite local station, and I remembered that they were a regular contributor to a particular talk show. So I decided to mail the presenter and let her know that one of her listeners and regular contributors had died and would not be contributing again, and to thank her for her shows; that I know my parent loved. There was no mention on the show that day. But! The next day when I wasn’t expecting it, an announcement was read out by the presenter, putting her personal touch on the message and personal sorrow of hearing how she would not be receiving any messages from someone she enjoyed hearing from. She played a dedication; then a few minutes after the song, several listeners also contacted the presenter expressing their sorrow that they would not hear from my parent again, as they also enjoyed his stories. Because I didn’t expect it, this did bring a lump to my throat and a tear to my eyes. I found it difficult to speak normally for a moment. Even now, writing this, I am moved by it. But again the edge is avoided and now I’m walking back to my normal state.

Should I find a way to let go? Should I remain the firm stalwart that I always am? With Xmas on top of us I want to enjoy the time with friends and what family I have. Not fall apart and see this as a dark time of year in both external weather and internal emotions.

What worries me is that my emotions are under control, but only just. A small beautiful thing will make me emotional; an act of kindness of emotion in others will bring a tear to my eye; any friction will make me angry; resistance frustrates me; any risk scares me; the wind makes me nervous; a small thing from my dog makes me laugh out loud: My emotions are exaggerated, but not out of control. I’m not sleeping soundly: I sleep, just not all night or deeply and I’m tired a lot of the time. My worry is that all of this is not normal and I don’t know what it may mean for me or others. Or how it will resolve: will I explode or break down? Will it be temporary like a pressure valve, or will it change me forever? This time I am not on the brink of darkness, I’m on a point between many places: darkness, fear, happiness, frustration, beauty – between light and dark but not black and white, there is a full rainbow of places I could fall. Or; I could climb down and back to my normal steady state.

I don’t know where I will go. I suspect it will be back down the hill to normality, but will I trip on the way?

I have a problem: Well not just one, like everyone I have many problems. This specific problem is: My problems are getting at me.

Over time I get highs and lows; sometimes the highs are good and long, but more often these days the lows are shallow and long. A shallow low may seem a minor issue when measured against a deep dark depression that I know people experience, and have experienced myself. However it may seem; something that will annoy me and make me sad or angry, is a persistent repetitive drawn out cyclic event: The drone of a hover; the constant monotone repetitive chatter of many voices, or sometimes one voice; the same actions repeated for no gain, like exercise cycles; all of these little things cause frustration, anger, sadness and other negative emotions. When I’m in a shallow low that drags, there is not impact, no drive, no movement; just the same thing over and over, round and round, everywhere with no escape. It’s suffocating, a white noise that drives you insane, it makes me sad and angry at the same time. In a deep dark place there is impact, things happen, I lose my temper, I run, and I write a lot: I react! There is positive action in the dark negative world. In the highs, I run and jump, I sing, I play: I act! There is positive actions in the light. But this shallow low: there is only shadow and quiet in me. I don’t run, I don’t see, I barely think: I don’t!

A mood like this is self-perpetuating. Sometimes it’s only a dip but right now it feels like the edge of a desert; full of worn rocks, worn down to sand; Sand that when stirred by a wind becomes devastating and wears everything else down to the same state; old worn and monotone.

Breaking a low like this is difficult to do myself. Occasionally time will lift or drop me. Occasionally an outside influence will intervene and break the cycle. But I’m not sure if I am in the shallow or heading down the leading face of it. If I inspect the events and actions of recent days and today, I would logically put me at the leading edge, but I can’t tell where on that ledge I sit, or stand. I can’t tell because I don’t know how deep or flat the shallow will be. I recognise the shadow of the shallow, as it falls across my path: it’s in the emotions I don’t feel; the energy that is not there; desire turning dark; clarity of thought that is clouded; a happiness that turns red to quick; enjoyment lost; beauty made plain. When yesterday the trees outside my window were green and full of life, today they are brown and dirty, full of spiders. In reality there is no real difference, only one in my mind. Yesterday a 22 Degrees Celsius was ideal, today it’s chilly. There was a time when I knew the darkness in the world, but my soul shone through and I saw the flowers in the winter; and the shadows in the summer were not dark, they were plays of light and shade; I saw the innocence of animals and wonderment of the innocent; I enjoyed the variety of life and people around me; I heard the music in the rain and song in the thunder; I saw the sun dance and the rivers run; I heard each bird’s song and whispers in the wind; I smelt the heat of the day and chill of the winter; The trees sang in the wind, the roads ran with the children, the buildings watched and laughed. All of this I once knew and I loved life: I want to get back there!

But can I go back? Is that who I am or should be? Or was that a part of me, a part of the journey to who a really am; this worn out soul, trapped in a neglected body, with a sour mind? If that is so; when are you who you really are? Is youth just the foundation a layer of you that supports the real you? Is old age the empty, grumpy husk that is left when you are done and finished, when the real you has move on? Like coal: The tree is not the coal, but it is the foundation of coal and the young life of coal, and when coal is done being coal it is burnt and becomes so much ash and the fumes are toxic. If you are lucky you can find some coal that has hardened and refined to become diamond and have a new reality, not one of function, but one of beauty. I’m not sure I’ll be a diamond, in any rough. Right now I’m the lump of coal that fell down behind scuttle, forgotten, no purpose, collecting dust and hair. Just in sight of the fire that I yearn for, as I watch the ashes get collected and taken away to either be added to the landfill or the garden.

Has this turned good or bad? There is light and shade: The light of my previous life, the light of a life remembered and the light I want to rediscover; if it is possible. The shade of an overused, under fuelled mind and tired soul. Or the shade of my overreaching stomach: No sun tan below the waist for me.

Where am I, who am I, where am I going, where do I want to go and who do I want to be? Can I?

Small retrospective on this piece: This is nothing like the original start that I made on paper. Do I write for me or an audience? It’s meant to be for me, but like that damned cat or elusive electron, when observations are to be made the state changes. Is that right, is it ok? Another piece I think.

So what does it mean when you dream of being back at your old junior school: An adult, but treated and looked on as a child? The school itself: was now halfway to an apocalyptic version of its old self; but it was all there: The tarmacked playground; the large steps/seats with the smaller steps in them on the corner; the central multi-use hall (Gym, Dinning, Assembly); the corridor that separated infants from juniors; it was all there, but somehow older, somehow run down, somehow still solid. In my dream there were 4 teachers and one headmaster: 1 male teacher, who was my teacher; 3 female teachers, who looked out for me; and the head was not Mr Bags that I had when I was at the school, but there was constant reference and comparison to Mr Bags.

 

Somehow, in the dream, I was older, but seen as younger (Or age appropriate), but I still had the knowledge and experience I do now, and somehow I was still learning at junior school level: except in maths.

 

From the outside the school had expanded, but inside it was the same. The top field was now a car park that was full, but only a small number of people in the school.

 

I dreamt this dream for 4 hours last night until I woke at 02:30 in the morning. After I had a drink, it was hard to get back to sleep: wondering why the dream: This is a new dream. What does it mean to me? I had a sudden feeling of insecurity.

 

I believe dreams are a reflection of your hidden feelings and thoughts. I don’t believe that they are premonition. But I’m uncertain of that: I’m definitely not going back to Hillside school to learn.

 

This dream is new. I’ve dreamt of school before, but it’s always been senior school at Potter Street, and always age appropriate, never being myself now as a student. Not usually with teachers and never with a headmaster. BTW: I don’t recognise any of the characters in my dream. They are not people I can remember or know now, either in work, social or on TV.

 

Dreams don’t usually affect me, but every now and then a dream comes along that I can’t shake and I take through the day. This is one of those rare ones.

 

If dreams do mean anything: What does this new dream mean?

Despair and panic

Posted: October 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

I have a feeling of despair and panic. It is not a big feeling right now, but it does build and I believe it is affecting my health and wellbeing. What do I feel?

Regularly through the day I feel an anxiety building from inside my chest, starting small and layer upon layer it builds until it reaches  mass that draws direct attention from my head. At this time it does not overwhelm me, as I look directly at it the ball dissipates. What if I was so distracted that I didn’t notice the layers building? Would it go super-nova, destroying all in its path; the soul and un-observant mind?

The downside of noticing the anxiety is noticing the shadows lurking behind, the panic and fear that conspire to catalyse the anxiety ball and sit back smiling as the layers build upon layers, then stand up defiantly and try to stare down the mind, challenging it to take them on. Almost in a “Yeah! Wha’ ya’ gonna do bou’ it?” way.

Hope cowers in the face of fear and when the mind looks for support there is the feeling that there is no hope. A feeling that our lives are pre-ordained. Ironic then that I do not subscribe to the God system. So when I try to analyse my way out of the fated view of life I still believe that I, we even, do not have any real control of life. If you look at philosophy and the way the brain works you will find many proponents of the concept that we are merely highly complex machines. i.e. we react to inputs in a theoretical predict cable, pre-programmed way. Just like a computer. All of our programming is the result of a previous input and output and each input will either re-enforce a pathway in the brain or create a new one. The next input or experience runs through the brain pathways and generates a response. In this way we do not think, we react. Consciousness is merely a hugely complex set of inputs and outputs that seem to complex to explain and so seem like independent thought. But it’s just a lot of switches and dials moving cogs and gates to re-direct a good egg to packing or a bad egg to the bin. When you realise this you realise that you don’t have control, you are at the mercy of your own mind and that has been programmed by external influences and is still being programmed. Ironically those external programmers are also just machines that are being programmed by other external forces. Nobody controls their own destiny, we all control each other and nobody controls the whole thing. Unless you return to the God system. So if nobody controls themselves, they cannot control another and that requires self control. In the bigger picture each person is a cog or leaver in the bigger machine. In the God system, God is the one punching the keys, turning the dials to control the inputs to the global machine and the machine then does what it does by moving the cogs, levers and pulleys. i.e. a lever pulled by God would push a cog one way and that cog being a smaller machine has internal workings that decide which other cog/lever/pulley/gateway it will act on, and on, and on, and on. As I don’t believe in the God system I don’t think that there is any button pushing or lever pulling at the start of the machine. The machine is self perpetuating. Being a self repairing machine it is also evolving and growing. So what will be the end of the program being executed right now? A question of topic and one for you to ponder. My input to your program. Bringing this back to where I started: As a component of the larger machine and a machine myself, I have no real control over what I do, or where I end up. We all say it sometimes, I just had to do that. Must have coffee before you can get going, had to help a helpless person or animal, couldn’t help yourself when you saw those shoes or that gadget. If we accept that why can’t we accept we are not in control. Should I then stop panicking about not having control and just go with it and see where it takes me? It’s not that simple. If I stop worrying, I will face an entropy that my body has already begun. My weight and BP are not healthy; I have to change that. But is it worth it, can I change it? My finances, like many, are strained. Is that meant to be and unpliable?

As you can see my mind is a dangerous thing. It can send me into never ending circles. And right now in its fight to stave of despair and fear it is smothering hope. Maybe I need to accept my ‘fate’ and stop thinking about it and just work with it to chain the dark foes and tie their hands to stop them creating a chain reaction and super nova of anxiety. Hypocrite that I am: I tell others to accept what they are and the world around them, before they can understand it and then they can change it. It’s good advice, but worn out internally.

Time to look inwards again for the answers, or push them away and get on with it. Snap out of it. Stiff upper lip. Be strong……….

Diet is a bad word

Posted: September 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

It’s an old one but I like it. “Diet is just ‘Die’ with ‘Tea'”. I like this because I find diets really difficult. It’s not always about not being able to follow a diet and stick to it. Once I get my head and heart into the need to diet I will follow the diet no matter how bland or boring. It’s consistency and the whole life change that I can not maintain. I recently (Again) realised I am a compulsive eater. What to I mean by ‘compulsive eater’? Well, as an example I prepared a small bowl of dried Apricots as a ‘healthy’ snack yesterday. That’s good, well-meaning, healthy, better than chocolate and good self-control to prepare a bowl and not just grab the bag. But half way through the bowl I started to feel a little sickened by the sweetness and realised I didn’t need to finish the bowl just because it was there. In fact on one level I didn’t want to finish it. But it was there and I ‘felt’ hungry. So I finished them, almost forcing myself to finish them. That’s compulsive, I felt a compulsion to eat something that I didn’t need to or even want to. Whilst I write this it occurs to me that as a child I was always made to finish my meal even if I didn’t want to. Could that be the route of my compulsion? It’s not my parents fault. This need to finish the bowl of apricots is not in context of the need to finish the parts of a balanced meal that I don’t particularly like before I am allowed a desert. But obviously there is some leakage in the conditioning we receive as children into other parts of our lives. If there wasn’t there would be less councilors and shrinks doing big business. So when did civilisation lose the ability to compartmentalise and contextualise our lessons? When did we stop learning to separate one lesson from another and apply them appropriately? Our lives are so busy these days work, family and social lives are no longer separate lives but are merging into one life. Our work life impacts and bleads into our family life and often our social life is dictated by our work life. No longer can a person clearly demonstrate that when at work they are a different person to the person at home. As an example I even work at home. This is another symptom of the lost skill of separating aspects and lessons of life and applying behaviour in the correct context only. This post is actually another good example. I started talking about dieting and ended up talking about life lessons and the loss of a controlled and useful schizophrenia. My mind wanders sometimes, I have lost my ability to focus. I have so much going on in my head that I cannot control it any more. And this means that work does not stop when I’m socialising and as I’m supposed to be working now, you can see that socialising doesn’t stop when I’m working. Everything is spinning and running in all directions, like shopping in a mall. People all over the place going in different directions but as a mass the are all moving in one direction with one tasks.

It’s to much and now my head has gotten of subject and is moving on it’s own. I can’t write properly anymore so I will have to go away and try to coral my thoughts and get back to work.

Eyes please focus

Posted: March 22, 2013 in feelings, head thoughts
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I’ve been working hard now since the year began. That’s a mere two and a half months. Not long really; but I feel exhausted, Christmas and the New Year seem such a long time ago. Long lost in the mists of time.

Whilst this morning I woke feeling happy and good, light and cheery, READY! I had dreamed about a cousins wedding that I’m attending next month. The family was there having a great time, even my late parent from that side of the family; watching us have fun and giving me the occasional cautionary stare, making sure that I remain within the boundary of decent behaviour and did not get carried away. I never got to the ceremony, my alarm woke me just as I was about to enjoy a pre-ceremony apple turnover. We were in a kind of pre-wedding reception. The only down to the event was the staff, they could have been more cheerful. Even that didn’t dampen the day, as we were in such mirth that their grumpiness just made for more jokes and merriment amongst the family.

However, by the time I had started my work computer, and read the first overnight mail, my high flipped on its arse and became a steaming anger filled low. This then turned into a simmering, depressed, foul mood. The angry steam that had blown from my ears, like a Hannah Barbera cartoon, settled down to a bad mood fog around my head. This fog must have gotten in my eyes as I found that, for a few minutes, I couldn’t focus on the anything. Only when I stopped trying, did my focus relax and my eyes found the words on the monitor in front of me. I know it’s a psychological effect, and I did not find it scary. But that, linked to the nervous tick that has crawled under my left check just below the eye, the missing enthusiasm and wandering mind, tell me that I’m approaching exhaustion and need a break. I should be looking forward to the Easter break next week. However it’s going to be four days of frustration and anger as my partners’ parasitic leach that they call parent will be staying with us. If only you knew what it is like having my in-laws over. It may be a cliché joke now, but this family supports the whole movement to have in-laws, outlawed. There will be no rest, no recreation when the in-laws come to town, only regret and rows. Not the R&R I was looking for or need. Once this visit to the dark side is over should I take a day or two to myself: Abandon work and the projects in full flight? Of course a couple of days would not be abandoning the cause; it would be just taking a break. Why does everything these days seem to be in critical status. I have two projects attempting to complete and my part of the workflow is the final stage that enables that completion. And one project that is ramping up fast and expected to hit me very soon very hard is in the prep phase. The mechanisms that I have to drive are going to slow, with responses and input just not happening. We will not be ready to hit the ground running. In fact I predict we will face plant in that road rather than land on our feet. So a couple of days out now could increase the pressure, it will not tip it over the edge. My absence for a short time would not cause an insurmountable abyss, just a stream to stop at and partake of a fresh handful of mountain water whilst the wildlife continued to move on with their lives around us. Even if I did take the time, would I take the time to chill and use it wisely? I doubt it.

I look at the title of this and the title of my last couple of posts and I start to wonder if I’m neglecting my mental health and need help; “Eyes please focus”, “The pressure in my head”, “Dark room wanted and the voice from the shadows”, “I just want to cry”. BTW I still feel emotional and on the edge of tears a lot, another sign of mental cracks? Hmm, might have to research that.

The Pressure in my head

Posted: March 8, 2013 in feelings, head thoughts
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I feel a pressure building in my head and neck. Sometimes it feels like, if I pricked my face with a pin my head would burst like a balloon. The anxiety behind the pressure is like someone else is sticking my thumb in my face and blowing with all my might to inflate my head. Have you ever done that? Stuck your thumb in your mouth and blew with all your might. If you do it right your head feels like it’s going to explode. That’s how I feel sometimes at the moment. I live in a cartoon world that is a mix of Dilbert, Garfield, and various other popular tabloid cartoons. I have pointy haired managers imposing unrealistic deadlines on projects that they don’t understand and think that they are being clever. I have a pet that treats me like they own me, although I do find my pet as funny as Garfield.  Money is tight, even though I earn a decent enough wage. But then when isn’t it. I find the anger inside is growing day by day a large red lumbering beast that grows with every conflict, every turn of the screw by the fifty thousand feet management crew. You know the types. Those that only want to see the overview, everything from fifty thousand feet, the helicopter view, whatever description you want. How long before the angry beast grows to the size of Godzilla and takes a swipe at them sitting in their clouds. My dear mother would be warning me about my temper if she knew. I never understood that. In the most part I have a great control of my temper, and considering how often I feel like shouting or letting loose but don’t I do consider myself as in control most of the time. Most people I know consider me a calm person. If only they could see inside my head, and see this blog they would have a very different view.

I wonder whether the pressure is real or imagined. After a good mediation I feel the opposite, an emptying of the head. A feeling of light-headed floating, without actually being light-headed medically. It can be a wonderful feeling, euphoric and floating. And emptying of the mind and relaxing of the stress levels. Of course this is not always easy to achieve. Those bees buzzing around in my mind resist being quieted down and my mind wonders and wanders. When you can smoke out the brain bees, and bring quiet and peace to the mind the body relaxes and you almost get a glimpse of heaven. After this as you return to the material world, some of the coolness and light feeling remains with you for some time. I wish I could achieve this at least daily and expand the feeling to longer. But knowing it can be done is good; remembering a shadow of the feeling is good and calms me. The red beast is quiet and breathing slow and deep. He still has one eye open, but is not disturbed or swing his mallet like claws. Rather than wake the devil inside I shall stop thinking about this and tip toe quietly away and back to work.